Well now I know that reason why I didn't just throw in the towel and completely give up on my friendship with M even though parts of me definitely wanted to, to save me a butload load of guilt.
Monday a letter arrived from M addressed to D.G. I was a good person and did not open D.G.'s personal mail, but I had to hide it so it would not torment me. D.G. finally read it Tuesday at work and brought it home for me to read too. M lied to D.G. on the phone last week when she said things were fine. It turns out that M is probably as messed up as I am, but possibly more in some ways. Without going into too many details, she ended up with severe post-partum depression, her husband got hurt and then lost his job (I knew about the hurt part) and is still unemployed so they are broke and their marriage is on the rocks too.
I know that it's impossible to reach out to other people when you are in the middle of a major depressive episode. The fear of being rejected completely outweighs the potential benefits. I also know that D.G. and I had over 13 years together before we lost our son and I got depressed, including a previous depressive episode, so we have a big foundation to work from if we are going to continue to make it through this. M and her husband have only been together for the last 3 and a half years and this is the first major challenge they have faced together. (Not that 3 years together isn't enough time to build a strong relationship and not that 13 years together means you can get through anything.) So I now understand at least part of why she wasn't there for me after she had her baby and no longer had to avoid thinking about me in order to not freak out about the possibility of her baby dying.
I guess this means the ball is back in my court now. If only I had the smallest clue about what I am supposed to do now.
5 comments:
I would imagine it took a lot of courage for her to write the letter. But what you want to do would depend on how you still feel about the situation. I hope it all works out peacefully. Thinking of you and sending love you way~
I'm not sure what I would do, but I agree with Missy that it probably took alot of courage for her to write that letter and it seems like a good opening. In terms of what to do....it will probably just come to you one day. You will suddenly feel good about an option. Thinking of you as always.
Such a complicated situation. I feel compassion for M's sitauation ... but then I think, then what? Just like you said, if only there was the smallest clue about what to do. My hope is that you'll be able to come up with an answer/response that feels like a good way for you to respond to M, and also honors you and your needs.
Blogger doesn't like long comments so I'm dividing this into two comments! ;o)
Awhile ago I wrote a post called everybody has a story.. I guess you can imagine the gist of it. We all go through times in our lives when we ache, we grieve and try to figure out how to manage such a complicated journey. Life itself gets messy. Friendships get messy, as does everything around us at times. You are both dealing with very different circumstances, but I imagine you might be able to offer each other a bit of comfort if you are both open to reaching out.
No one can answer this question for you, but as an outsider looking in who has dealt with a situation similar to this I can tell you firsthand that while it won't always work out the way you may plan, it is always worth it to know that you did everything you could before giving up completely.
I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make mamma...
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