Friday, September 24, 2010

The big race

" shouldn’t be a race." from the lovely and wise Julie, mom to Jon Evel.

In my head, I know that this true, it shouldn't be a race, it should be about what is right for D.G. and me and even D. But it feels like a race against so many opponents. A race against time because my eggs aren't getting any younger and because the age gap between D and any living siblings keeps growing. A race against fear because now I know how bad things can go in a heartbeat ( or non-heartbeat in my case). A race against bitterness and anger because the pain I feel every time I see someone walking around with the baby/family I thought I would have has to be corroding my internal organs including the reproductive ones. And even a race against the other DBMs because as they start on the path toward a living child, I feel like I am being left behind here in the middle Dead Baby Land all over again.

Every day I feel like I am losing the race by a little bit more. Like the finish line is further away instead of closer.


B said...

it's ok. i'm still here being left behind with you.

i keep thinking it's just me actually, but there are a few of us who are resolutely Not Pregnant Again Yet. and it's not fair. not fair at all. and it makes me want to stamp and scream.

it already felt like a race before the loss. having lost a baby, when i am SO desperate to have a living child, just makes me feel like a loser in oh so many different ways.

thinking of you car. xxx

Merry said...

And me.
*holds out hand*
Shall we run together?

Elaine said...

please check out my blog today, I've given you the "One Lovely Blog Award!"

therootofallevel said...

i know there is no way to take away the anxiety and rush of wanting a subsequent pregnancy, but i feel like it's my job to try and comfort those around me.

it will happen for all of us (probably even me some decade ha ha) but hate seeing so many women beating themselves up over the rush.

be kind to yourselves, damnit! ;)

Lucid Anne said...

I nominated you for an award in my blog. : ) <3

Catherine W said...

Julie's already said it better than I ever could. Be kind to yourselves. xo

Amanda said...

I just wanted to thank you for inspiring me to start my own blog. I always look forward to reading what you're up to and value your strength and viewpoint on this path through life. I acknowldged you with a little blog award. You can see at my blog:
Much love, Amanda