It seems that the flood of new and painful emotions and feelings has stopped. They are all still there, but not new anymore. It has almost been 2 months since Reid's death. This past Friday was the first Friday evening I didn't spend sobbing followed by spending all of Saturday morning in bed. I don't feel better, I just feel blah. Maybe the weather is contributing. It was been snowing here (yes I know I live in Canada, but it shouldn't be snowing at the end of May) and all my plans for Reid's first few months revolved around hanging out outside while his big sister played in the yard. It hasn't been warm enough to spend much time outside in the last week so I didn't have to deal with him not being there.
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We attended the annual memorial service for babies who have died at all the local hospitals. I'm not sure what I expected, but of course I cried, a lot. They had these little papers for everyone to write notes to their babies. I couldn't write anything, I tried but nothing would come out. Months ago at one of my pre-natal yoga classes, the instructor asked us to write a letter to our babies. I couldn't write anything then either. It's not that I didn't believe that my baby would be born healthy and alive (I fully believed that until the third time the doctor yelled, "I can't get a heartbeat") It's just that I can't put into words my feelings for someone I haven't met. Love is too mild a word for the primal feelings a mother has for her child. I know I couldn't have got up in church full of people and spoke about Reid, so if nothing else going to this memorial has confirmed our decision not to have a funeral for Reid. Maybe a public recognition of Reid's death would have helped some of our friends or family but it would have been far too painful for DH and me and we get to be selfish now.
4 comments:
You do get to be selfish, Reid is your son and I think that only you and your husband can decide what is the right thing to do by him.
Love is too mild a word. You are right. x
"Love is too mild a word for the primal feelings a mother has for her child."
That is the most true thing I have ever read.
I feel the same. How could I write a letter to someone I didn't get to meet until he was long dead?
Grief IS selfish.
I had though about attending the memorial....but didn't end up going. I am sure it was very emotionally challenging. ((hugs))
On May 14th my baby died less than two hours after being born. Everyone has been asking if we are having a memorial service, but we just can't face it. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel guilty for not wanting to have a service, because so many others seem to want it.
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