It seems that the flood of new and painful emotions and feelings has stopped. They are all still there, but not new anymore. It has almost been 2 months since Reid's death. This past Friday was the first Friday evening I didn't spend sobbing followed by spending all of Saturday morning in bed. I don't feel better, I just feel blah. Maybe the weather is contributing. It was been snowing here (yes I know I live in Canada, but it shouldn't be snowing at the end of May) and all my plans for Reid's first few months revolved around hanging out outside while his big sister played in the yard. It hasn't been warm enough to spend much time outside in the last week so I didn't have to deal with him not being there.
We attended the annual memorial service for babies who have died at all the local hospitals. I'm not sure what I expected, but of course I cried, a lot. They had these little papers for everyone to write notes to their babies. I couldn't write anything, I tried but nothing would come out. Months ago at one of my pre-natal yoga classes, the instructor asked us to write a letter to our babies. I couldn't write anything then either. It's not that I didn't believe that my baby would be born healthy and alive (I fully believed that until the third time the doctor yelled, "I can't get a heartbeat") It's just that I can't put into words my feelings for someone I haven't met. Love is too mild a word for the primal feelings a mother has for her child. I know I couldn't have got up in church full of people and spoke about Reid, so if nothing else going to this memorial has confirmed our decision not to have a funeral for Reid. Maybe a public recognition of Reid's death would have helped some of our friends or family but it would have been far too painful for DH and me and we get to be selfish now.