Scary news

I found out last night that I am going to be an aunt and I am terrified. I have wanted to be aunt forever but when you are an oldest child married to another oldest child you know you will likely have to wait a while. I am scared about how I will deal with this baby, I am scared that something bad will happen to this baby and I am scared of what could happen if another baby in our family doesn't make it.

I held a baby for the first time after Reid this past weekend. Baby S is already nine months old and is far from a newborn, but it was still hard. DH said it was hard to watch me hold her. Maybe by the time my niece or nephew arrives in November, I'll be able to hold a new baby.

Today

Today my son should have been 3 weeks old, instead he has been dead for 3 weeks. I think it hurts more now than it did right after he died because I have had time to realize how much we have lost. Sometimes I still can't believe that this is really my life, that I carried my big, beautiful baby for 38 1/2 weeks and then the second he was delivered, he was gone.

Sorry for the cheesy blog title but it feels right for me. My daughter is obsessed with the Beatles right now and requests Hello Goodbye a dozen times a day. Then while ready Empty Cradle, Broken Heart today, I came across the phrase again, so Hello Goodbye it is.