52 Weeks : Week Seventeen

 Week Seventeen has been officially declared the "It's finally spring" week. I apologize for all the repeats from insta-crack (I'm so addicted) but it was so exciting to finally have warmer weather and melting snow.

After hacking away at the snow/ice on our patio all week, the BBQ made it's 2013 debut on Thursday. (Unlike last winter when we BBQ'd in December and January.) And yes, shoveling snow from piles that aren't melting into areas that get lots of sun is something that we do here in the great frozen north in order to help Mother Nature make spring start as soon as possible.

Look, flowers, growing outside, in the only semi-frozen ground!

There are two things that make me happy here:
1) C.S. enjoying herself outside, without winter clothing. She wants to be outside ALL the time.
2) My clothes line is set up! I have a strange obsession with line-drying all my laundry and I have already tried 2 loads of laundry out there.
 

(Please ignore the nasty looking grass, D.G. had to work on taking the winter tires off my vehicle instead of raking the yard this afternoon. )

52 Weeks: Week Sixteen

Hmm, somehow I am even more behind this week than last. However, my mom is here visiting this week so I may actually have time to do somethings I want to do vs. have to do. (I got to take a shower in the middle of the morning today!)

I have been very bad about taking pictures the last week. I blame the fact that D brought a flu home from school last week and kindly shared it with all of us. All the females in the house got over it in about 24 hours, but D.G. got man sick and was a mess for 4 days.

I baked some awesome cookies for a bake sale at D's school. I swear I took pictures but they don't exist on any of our cameras/phones. I will however share the recipe just in case you need a sugar fix.

Brownie Cookies!!!

Of course due the all the sickness, I was baking cookies the day before they had to be at school. I was worried about keeping C.S. away from the oven but somehow oven mitts became the most entertaining things in the world and all the cookies got baked.

Is it okay to be happy about laundry baskets? They are great for the intended purpose, but they are even better for building "baby jails".

I played in my first ball hockey game Friday night. We were short players and it was 10 pm at night but somehow we not only won, but also avoided any injuries. I thought I was going to throw up after the game and I was so hot that I could stand outside in the rain in shorts and tank top despite the fact that it was only about 4 degrees above freezing, but we won!

52 Weeks: Week Fifteen

Holy cow, where do my evenings go? I just want to be able to get some things done before I crawl into bed but it seems like there are 3 seconds between D falling asleep and me running out of steam

So on to last weeks' happiness:

I am a firm believer in breakfast being the most important meal of the day. Last week I had a really good batch of breakfast quesadillas. Peanut butter, banana and cinnamon in a tortilla, fried and topped with jam. So yummy.

It is silly how happy it makes me when C.S. helps me with the laundry. It is so cute though, especially when she tries to fold her own diapers. If only I can figure out how to inspire this level of enthusiasm when she is older.

How can seeing one of your children laugh this hard not make you happy too?

I am playing ball hockey this spring. Despite a minor setback at the first practice, I am looking forward to the season and the first game on Friday. Luckily ice and rest have taken care of the injury and there's only a bruise left. (If only hockey equipment didn't smell so bad.)

12.04.13

So I'm officially skipping week 14 of happiness. The other 51 weeks of the year, I agree that it's import to focus on the happy, but I am letting myself have one week where I don't have to do that. Besides, it would likely just be a re-post of the photos from Reid's birthday.

....

2 nights ago, I had a dream that just  knocked me a for a loop. It wasn't a dream about Reid or babyloss although I was still the "current" me (dead baby and all) in the dream. I was a contestant on some kind of reality competition. It was something related to interior design but all I remember is that we were all supposed to create some kind of side table with accessories from this big pile of junk. I was fixated on a old telephone and wasted all the time trying to re-wire it so my side table was less than stellar. When it was time to "judge" the projects, I was attacked. No not just attacked, eviscerated is a better word. Everything I had done was garbage and by extension, I was too. I felt utterly destroyed, even after I woke up. Do I hate myself that much? Feel that worthless on a subconscious level? It not a shocking idea that I probably could use some counseling but this was really scary. If I keep having dreams like that, I'm going to have to actually do something about it instead of just saying to myself, "My baby died, how could I not be broken inside?". Three years in, I've gotten used to being broken. Trying to get "fixed" sounds way more scary and painful.

....

I thought I had more things to say, but they disappeared into the the ether of my tired mind. Tired seems to be what I'm feeling most these days. I don't think I'm sleeping any less but ever since the afternoon of April 3rd, both D.G. and I have been exhausted, all the time. It seemed to me that many people felt a lot of anger as 3rd birthdays/anniversaries approached, but I feel tired. Like this has been a long hard journey and I need a little rest.

My Boy's Third Birthday

We celebrated Reid's 3rd birthday yesterday. D.G. took the day off from work and D stayed home from school.

We started off with the "traditional" cupcakes for breakfast. This year's cupcakes are chocolate with an Oreo middle and cream cheese Oreo icing.

We spent the morning at our provincial art gallery. (Amazing space and surprisingly kid friendly.) D did a kids program that we could tag along on and learned about landscapes.

Then we let the girls loose in a exhibit just for kids. Each tile on the floor made a different sound which was a huge hit.

We went out for lunch and then headed home for nap time. We spent a quite afternoon at home together. I would have liked to spend some time outside, but it was just too cold for C.S.

I really wanted a nice picture for the girls together, but as you can see they weren't very cooperative. Cute, but not cooperative.

I know most people make lights like this at Christmas, but when I checked the forecast, I knew it would be cold enough to do one now. I put it in the back yard in the snow outside my bedroom window. The three little candles made enough light to be seen from inside the house.

And of course I had to try to get a picture with a daisy too.

 This is for you my sweet boy. I miss you so much and wish you were here with us where your belong. I hope you have something like the hugs and kisses and cupcakes and presents and  that we wish we were giving you for you birthday.

It was a relatively peaceful day and at this point that's about as much as I can ask for.

Thanks to everyone who sent messages and love our way.

Sending lots of love out there to all the mamas and little ones who just have or are about to celebrate 3rd birthdays apart from each other.

Really, this is not what I needed to see tonight

I just read a post on FB from a friend's sister and I'm so bitter and angry. She just had her long awaited daughter (after 5 boys) and it turns out her labor got complicated. She lost consciousness and the baby's heart rate dropped and she was rushed in surgery. Her uterus had ruptured and the baby was delivered with an Apgar score of 2. They gave the baby a 10% chance of survival. Of course the baby is now fine and they were able to repair the rupture so she can even have more children if she wants.
How can so many things go wrong and yet everything works out perfectly for someone else when nothing went wrong for me and Reid yet my son has been dead for nearly three years? I feel like such a bad person for being mad at this woman who got her happy ending but I'm so angry I can't see straight. I hate being so broken.