12.04.13

So I'm officially skipping week 14 of happiness. The other 51 weeks of the year, I agree that it's import to focus on the happy, but I am letting myself have one week where I don't have to do that. Besides, it would likely just be a re-post of the photos from Reid's birthday.

....

2 nights ago, I had a dream that just  knocked me a for a loop. It wasn't a dream about Reid or babyloss although I was still the "current" me (dead baby and all) in the dream. I was a contestant on some kind of reality competition. It was something related to interior design but all I remember is that we were all supposed to create some kind of side table with accessories from this big pile of junk. I was fixated on a old telephone and wasted all the time trying to re-wire it so my side table was less than stellar. When it was time to "judge" the projects, I was attacked. No not just attacked, eviscerated is a better word. Everything I had done was garbage and by extension, I was too. I felt utterly destroyed, even after I woke up. Do I hate myself that much? Feel that worthless on a subconscious level? It not a shocking idea that I probably could use some counseling but this was really scary. If I keep having dreams like that, I'm going to have to actually do something about it instead of just saying to myself, "My baby died, how could I not be broken inside?". Three years in, I've gotten used to being broken. Trying to get "fixed" sounds way more scary and painful.

....

I thought I had more things to say, but they disappeared into the the ether of my tired mind. Tired seems to be what I'm feeling most these days. I don't think I'm sleeping any less but ever since the afternoon of April 3rd, both D.G. and I have been exhausted, all the time. It seemed to me that many people felt a lot of anger as 3rd birthdays/anniversaries approached, but I feel tired. Like this has been a long hard journey and I need a little rest.