3 years and then 4 months

Today D turned 3. We had her first ever birthday party with friends and although it was smaller than we planned, it was just right and she had a blast. We worked our butts off getting ready and finishing one of her gifts, but working myself to exhaustion helped me to not think about who wasn't going to be at the party. (Or any other parties for that matter.)

Here is D with her most requested and now most beloved birthday gift, a "Squishy Whyatt". (from her current favourite show). Looking at this picture just makes think if she could love a toy that much and hug it so tight, how much love would she have for her little brother if he was here?


Today my wonderful, amazing, and most importantly, living and breathing daughter turned three. But as soon as she went to bed, I was consumed with the thoughts of my not living and not breathing son, who should have been 4 months old tomorrow. It should be Reid that Delia's is hugging so tightly at her birthday party. How shitty is is that I have to be thankful for the fact that Reid was not born on April 2nd so that at least his death didn't completely overshadow his sister's birthday for me?

Don't know what to think

So yesterday was a pretty good day. The birthday brownies that I baked turned out to be very tasty. It's what happened when we sang "Happy Birthday" that is confusing me. I stuck a candle in DH's brownies and D started to sing and I joined in and then in a blink of an eye, D was bawling. I was not shocked as she has cried at all of her birthdays when presented with a cupcake with candles. What shocked me was when she said, "I miss Baby Reid so much." I really don't know what to make of it. She has said this before but only if she saw that I was upset first. And there have been times were I suspected that she said it to try to get me to do something (It's awful that I have to suspect my almost 3 year old of using her dead brother to manipulate me, but even if she was, she has no way to know what it really means so I can't really get angry at her). And it's not like she needed to convince us to give her what she really wanted, there was a huge chocolate brownie sitting right in front of her. I even asked her again this morning why she cried and she repeated that she missed Reid. I don't know what I am supposed to do with this. I don't want D to be as confused and sad about Reid as I am. Yay, more mommy guilt coming up.

Birthday

Tomorrow is DH's birthday, the first birthday we have had to celebrate since Reid died. We are going to try to make it a nice day for him. I bought him a football related present that I hope he will like and I framed a bunch of pictures of D that we have taken in the last few weeks. I really wanted to sneak in one of Reid's U/S pics but I know that would just upset DH and it's his birthday, not mine. D and I baked muffins today so he could have a nice breakfast before he goes to work and we are going to make birthday brownies while DH is at work. I really hope it goes well as D's birthday is only 2 1/2 weeks away and she won't understand why mommy would be sad on her birthday.

Birthdays

Ever since Catherine wrote this post back in May, I have been looking for the not so hidden meanings in every Dr. Seuss book I read to D. This week it's Happy Birthday to You!. DH's birthday is next week and D's is next month so she is understandably obsessed with birthdays. Maybe not every line can literally apply to Reid, but it still gets to me every time I have to read these pages.

If you'd never been born, well then what would you do?
If you'd never been born, well then what would you be?
You might be a fish! Or a toad in a tree!
You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes!
You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes.
Or worse than all that...Why you might be a WASN'T!
A wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't.
A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present.


If you'd never been born, them you might be an ISN'T!
An Isn't has no fun at all. No he disn't.
He never has birthdays, and that isn't pleasant.
You have to be born, or you don't get a present.