Extra crazy

My eyes are sore from too much screen time tonight*, but I need to vent so here I am at 10:30, still up while the rest of the family sleeps.

D.G. and I are going through a rough patch. It seems like everyday that he doesn't work we end up arguing and/or fighting by noon. We also seem unable to avoid having these arguments in front of D which makes me feel horribly guilty on top of the crappy feelings from fighting with D.G. There's no one thing causing the problems (although D.G. would probably say that it all comes back to me being a mess) so it's not like we can just avoid one thing and avoid the conflict. I am sick of being upset but I just can't hold back when he does or says something that bothers me. Maybe it's the depression combined with PMS that's pushing me over the edge constantly (isn't that a great combination?) or maybe I'm just more nuts now because it's April and I'm trapped in the days between April 3rd and Easter and it keeps f-ing snowing.

*I was "working" not slacking off playing Soli.tare. The Faces of Loss site has moved to Word.Press and there are these random spaces that keep showing up in my blogroll that won't go away no matter what I do. Grrr.

Well, something sure is frozen over

No kidding, this is what it is like here right now. (Yes that's snow on that wind shield.) We are under a snowfall warning. The tulips that were finally starting to poke out of the ground are buried. Hopefully they are not frozen because the bulbs came from the Walk to Remember last fall and I was really looking forward to them blooming sometime around Reid's birthday. Right now we will be lucky if they bloom before the end of the month.

Spring cleaning begins

D.G. and I started clearing stuff out of our basement this weekend. It is spring technically and I thought there was some magic way to rearrange the furniture that would give us more useful space. It turns out that we can only have a slightly less awkward arrangement at best but it's still an improvement. Our basement is currently filled with a mixture of furniture that has been deemed too ugly to be upstairs, various boxes of junk we have collected, all of D's toys that are too big, too noisy or too annoying to be in the living and all the baby things that I thought I would be able to get rid of by now. We decided to get rid of a few pieces of furniture (thank you Fre.scycle) and move some of the baby things into the closet of the "baby room" upstairs (really, there's no reason not to fill up the closet with the bassinet and car seat, not like we will be using any of it any time soon, if ever) and rearrange the rest. We still have to go through all the boxes of junk but we will see when that happens. For now I have a sewing area and D has a few more square feet of space to fill up with toys. Of course I again had to face the fact that it's been over a year and I still have no idea when or if I'll ever get to use all those baby things again. Sometimes, I just wonder if I should sell it all and then the spite gods would make sure I got pregnant because it would so damn inconvenient to have to collect it all again.

Runaway Baby

We recently took The Runway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown out of the library for D. We have been reading Goodnight Moon to D since she was born so I thought we should read her the other classic M.W.B. book. I know some people think The Runaway Bunny is creepy because the mother bunny won't let her son have any freedom (I believe one blog I read referred to the mommy bunny as a stalker mom) but it makes me sad for all the obvious dead baby reasons. I read it and think, "Why didn't I get the chance to convince my son that he should just stay with me?" I can make ridiculous promises/threats about what I will do to stay near my child. What if I had the chance to tell Reid how much I wanted him to stay with me? ( I mean telling him while he was alive and in my arms, not sobbing it out to an empty room after he died) Would I feel "better" if I felt like I got to try to keep him here instead of him slipping away before he was even born?

Using pretty pictures to distract you from the lack of content

My brain is still to lethargic to create coherent thoughts and now my arm is too sore to type properly too. (I finally got in for the touch ups on my tattoo. Must have thought something would go wrong or I would have canceled the touch up appointment the day after the BFP.) I am still here though so I'll dazzle you with some photos I took at the conservatory last Sunday. There was a whole area dedicated to daffodils and tulips for spring and I had never seen so many varieties of daffodils before. We tend to just plant one-tone yellow or yellow and white daffodils here in the great white north. These were all so pretty and of course made me think of Freddie and Merry.

Inertia

I have taken way too many physics classes in my life, one of the dangers of becoming an engineer. (Although it does allow to me get all the science jokes on BigB.angTh.eory which D.G. and I love and never features babies because most nerds can barely speak to girls, let alone get close to a girl enough to get one pregnant.) I understand that once a body comes to rest, it takes force to get it moving again. Well, I have definitely come to rest. I don't want to do anything, deal with anything, think about anything. I would be perfectly content to just take up residence in my bedroom with my laptop and the TV for company. Forget about working out 4 times a week they way I was before the fake pregnancy. Forget about trying to reach out to people who I haven't been able to talk to for the last 6 months. (Good thing I got my haircut and went to the dentist before I lost all forward momentum because they were necessary even if I was miserable during both of them.) I don't want to put away the luminaries we made for Reid's birthday. I don't want to look at the cards we did receive or think about the ones we didn't get. Ugh, I don't even want to think about how much force it's going to take to get me moving again.