Now it's a pity party (and I've run out of cupcakes)

I'm not just tired anymore. There is a serious amount of feeling sorry for myself going on. Not so much about Reid not being here, mostly about not be able to get pregnant. (well pregnant with a viable pregnancy if you want to get technical). A couple from my support group whose daughter died 10 days before Reid are being induced tomorrow. Their plan for trying again was to just wait and see what happens. I mean it's great for them, but it hurts to watch.

I now know there is a kind of waiting that is crappier than the normal 2ww, waiting for your cycle to restart after a blighted ovum, miscarriage or other false start. I have no idea when things will happen but I was told there is no reason to wait to try again so I am going nuts waiting for some sign from my body. I am determined to not miss whatever tiny window might be open.

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While I am bitching and moaning, I might as well get some other stuff out of my head too. We were surprised and touched by thoughtful gestures from family and friends over the last week (will post about that when I am feeling more positive) but right now it's the people who didn't do or say anything about Reid's first anniversary who are on my mind. We didn't here anything, not anything at all, from any member of D.G.'s family. Not his mom, not either of his sisters, not his dad. I know Hallmark doesn't make a card for this occasion but really wouldn't you think that you should say something to your son/brother around the time that his child should have his first birthday? Urgh, it is getting harder by the day to tell myself that I should make an effort to have a real relationship with these people for D.G. and D's sakes.

Tired

I have so many things to post, but I am just exhausted. The closest thing to describing how I feel is hungover. Too many cupcakes, too many emotions and not enough sleep have left me wishing I could have stayed in bed all day. (not an option with D though)

Everything that we could control yesterday went as well as we could have hoped and as everyone says when the anniversary is over, the anticipation is worse than the actual event. Too bad knowing that doesn't help make the lead up any easier.

Reid's First Birthday

Preparations for the birthday celebration started on Saturday afternoon when we decorated luminaries. I admit I did most of the them but D and D.G. both helped too. We lit them just before D went to bed so she could see them all lit up and we kept them burning until just after the time of Reid's delivery 1 year ago. It was very hard watching the clock move toward 1:24 am, but it felt right to be awake for that time.


We woke up at the usual time, re-lit 2 of the luminaries and as promised, ate chocolate cupcakes for breakfast. D sang Happy Birthday to Reid all by herself and it was so sweet, I barely held it together.


We spent most of the morning doing random things around the house and then got dressed and went for lunch at the conservatory in the city. Right now indoors is the only place where you can find live flowers around here but luckily for us it wasn't too busy. We took many pictures of the amazing plants and flowers and D enjoyed being able to run around without a jacket and mittens on.


We came home and had a little rest, then went back outside to enjoy the sunshine. We released 3 balloons from our very snowy backyard and watched them until they disappeared into the sky.

For Reid, our little boy and baby brother. We love you and miss you so much and hope that wherever you are, you know that we carry you with us always.
Love, Mom, Dad and D.

It worked out that tonight was the monthly support group meeting, so while D.G. and D. hung out at home, I took cupcakes to share with some more of the lovely women who have helped get me through the last year. There were tears and laughter (actually, there was lots of laughter considering why we were all there) and it was a good way to end the day.

2 hours left

Two hours left until the exact time of Reid's "birth", 1:24 am April 3rd. Cupcakes are iced and waiting for breakfast tomorrow morning. (If you can't eat cupcakes for breakfast on your dead baby's birthday, when can you eat cupcakes for breakfast?) Candles are lit and many photos of said candles have been taken. I decided long ago that I would be staying up until at least 1:24 am tonight but didn't really plan for what I would do while waiting for 1:24 am so we've ended up watching various re-runs since D went to bed. Really, today has been a hard enough day as it is, I didn't need to make it more difficult by sitting in the dark and crying.

There will be many more pictures to come, too bad none will feature a sweet little boy smushing cupcake in his hair, but for now, this should cover where we are tonight...

For Freddie

Not funny

Not a fan of April Fools here. Last year, I thought it was be so funny if I had my baby on April 1st. I imagined how I could mess with all my family and friends about baby's arrival or gender. Of course then Reid died less than 2 days later. April 3rd is just too close to April 1st to not be linked in my mind: "You thought you were going to take home a live baby, ha ha, the joke's on you." And then this year: "You thought you could actually get pregnant, ha ha, fooled you again." I am seriously afraid of this time of year now. Next year I may ask to be placed in a medically induced coma from mid-March until the evening of April 2nd. What little mental health I have left needs to be preserved, I just have to find a doctor to agree with me.