November 11

I have to pack, but I need to be here more right now. Today we are going to visit my new niece and I am both excited and terrified. What if not freaking out at the sight of her was only enabled by technology and I have to run from the room before I start screaming when I see her in person? I think if I could just go see her myself it would be easier, but my whole family is going to be there and it involves driving to another city and staying with my aunt and uncle and just being away from my cave for 3 days. Uggh, this should not be stressful, I should be nothing but thrilled at the prospect of seeing my first niece.

---

A year ago, D.G. and I were packing for a few days away too. My mom came to watch D. and we spent 2 days at The Mall (It's the the biggest mall in the world and it's only 30 minutes away). We did nearly all our Christmas shopping, we ate whatever we wanted at odd hours, we rented movies and we slept in. Well he slept and I got up to pee frequently, but it was still good because we didn't have to worry about our 2 year old. It wasn't fancy but it was as close to a baby-moon as we were going to get.

When we came home, I found out that my friend L's son was stillborn. I was so shocked. I remember thinking "Full term babies don't die these days." How could that happen? (My cousin also delivered her son 11 weeks early that week and he didn't make it either so it was not a good week.) I was at 17 weeks and just wanted to wrap my arms around my belly and shield my baby from all this bad news. It was so sad for L, but something like that couldn't happen to us. Ha ha, the joke was on me because 5 and 1/2 months later, it did.

Anyways after all this rambling, today should have been L's son Kaelen's first birthday. If you have a spare moment, please stop by her blog and remember with her. (And yes it was me that gave her the gift.)

100

Wow, this is my 100^th post. I have an epic saga/ rant saved up, but I don’t want to waste my 100^th post on something even more painful and stressful than the usual Dead Baby Mama stuff.

I went back and read my first post and nearly 7 months after writing it, I still don’t understand how my life got to be this way. I now accept that I am not going to wake up one morning and realize that this has all been a horrible dream, but I don’t have any idea what I am supposed to with myself now. Maybe it’s because I am no closer to having a living baby in my arms now than I was then. Maybe it’s because I am just as antisocial right now as I was back then.

What has changed is that I know where to look for understanding and support. Thank you all for sticking with me for 100 posts and helping me get through the worst time in my life. I hope that I have been able to do the same for some of you. Love to you all.

Am I crazy or are they?

If you were lucky enough to get to bring home a real live baby and everything was "normal" and you got the point where you were making baby announcements, why the hell would you ever chose photos of the baby sleeping, i.e. with its eye's closed? Does this bother me just because I am a DBM and associate pictures of babies with their eyes closed with dead babies? Sure,you should take pictures of your kids while they are sleeping (I did it a couple weeks ago when D fell asleep while her dad yelled at the TV during a football game.), but why would you pick those pictures for a birth announcement? And it's not like one of those Anne Geddes elaborately posed photos, it's just a regular close up photo of the kid's face. I don't know if I am just reacting as someone who only has pictures of her son with his eyes closed or it's just that I am pissed at the mom of this kid (more on that later) but really, would anyone else be bothered by this?

I can do this

I saw my niece tonight, literally. My dad called me to get my help to get his Skype account working and when it didn't work, I got the jump the cue and see her first. Of course she is gorgeous and despite all my fears, I love her already. I just so wish her cousin Reid was here to meet her too. (Okay maybe it's more like desperately want or would do almost anything to make it happen than wish.)

Trying to avoid it

So it's another 3rd, this time November 3rd which means it's been 7 months. And I'm trying not to think about it because Mother Nature (that nasty bitch) has made it so that I am about to ovulate and thinking about dead babies is not conducive to making more babies. (Funny how that works because if I didn't have a dead baby I wouldn't be worried about making babies right now.)

.....


At my last counseling session, my counselor suggested trying another form of therapy, EMDR. (there's lots of info here so I won't get into details.) I know I'm not getting better, I can see myself getting worse with every anniversary and bfn, but I have no idea how to make myself feel better. Just letting myself live with the grief and waiting for time to pass isn't working. I have no idea if this will work for me, but I guess it's worth meeting the therapist who uses it to see if she thinks it will help. Has anyone else had any exposure to EMDR?

Uggh

Depressed Dead Baby Mama who also happens to be a chocoholic and comfort eater

+

tons of left over Halloween chocolate bars

=

Massive sugar hangover

Really Halloween could have been much worse. D loved it and no parents brought any baby boys to the door. But thoughts of last year when I wore a orange shirt to emphasize my pumpkin shaped belly and thoughts of what this year should have been were never far away.

(And I hate everyone's cute baby Halloween pictures on FB.)