October 15, 2014

For all the parents missing their children and for all the babies who are missed...

... and especially my boy, Reid.

Bad mommy

C.S. fell this evening and knocked out one of her front teeth. She is doing fine so far and was amazingly calm and cooperative once we got past the initial bleeding and shock. The dentist thought she would heal up jut fine but we are waiting for an appointment with a paediatric specialist. I however am devastated. I know she hasn't been disabled or become seriously ill, but I feel like I've broken my baby, my rainbow baby, my "second" chance. My beautiful little girl has been changed in an instant and every time I see the difference in her I feel horrible for not protecting her better. 

And just to make the evening more fun, my check engine light came on while I was driving C.S. to the dentist and now have to find a way to get it in to the shop before the holiday weekend starts. I also need to find a way to get around without my vehicle and it's started snowing again so walking isn't a great option. 

Did I mention that I really don't like Easter?

4, the day

Reid's birthday in pictures...

These actually arrived before the 3rd, via a trip to the grocery store. Hopefully I will get to have red daisies for the whole month of April.

We had our traditional cupcakes for breakfast. This year, we had vanilla-chocolate-chip-cookie cupcakes with chocolate icing (and Spiderman cupcake papers).

We sang happy birthday and blew out the candles.

We had a day out together that didn't go quite as planned but we were together and that is what counts.

I really wanted to take lots of pictures in our super hero t-shirts but C.S. was not feeling co-operative.

Luckily the promise of chocolate (she is so mommy's girl) and some guidance from big sister turned the photo shoot around.

Happy Birthday Reid. I hope where ever you are, you are rocking the amazing superhero costume that I wish I could have made for you.

4 is hard

4 is hard. It's not the unending agony and sadness of 1, but it's still hard. At 4, you have you traditions established and you actually start to enjoy the day, but the days around it are still painful and grey. At 4, you still feel angry with the universe for the birthday boy not being here and with all the people who either forgot to or didn't bother to acknowledge that someone in our family should be 4. At 4, you have the ability to keep the veneer of "normal" in place most of the time, but some times it feels like underneath the veneer you are just as broken as you ever were.

Daffodils

The wonderful Merry asked her on-line (and IRL) friends to join her in making daffodil crafts to mark what should be Freddie' 4th birthday on April 2nd. I decided on crochet daffodils and went looking on Ravelry for patterns. The first one can be found here on Attic24. It's a cute pattern but it didn't come out perfectly for me. I lay all the blame on the cotton yarn I used because it's a nice pattern and I really liked that it was all worked together and I didn't have to sew in a dozen ends.

For the second pattern which I found here, I switched to acrylic yarn and although the colour isn't perfect, I love the results. All the parts are sewn separately which was less than ideal, but I love the shape of the petals.

I must admit to completely cheating for the pictures. I pinned the daffodils to the sofa and draped the green yarn down to be the stems because I lack the ambition to figure out how to make proper stems. 

Happy Birthday sweet Freddie. I promise to take some pictures for your mum when the daffodils here bloom in May.

 

Still here

Hello....is anyone out there? I'm still here and I still want to write but I seem to have lost the ability to express myself. From the outside I look like a functioning human being, but on the inside I feel like a complete disaster.

Next week will be 4 years since Reid died. I always thought that by the 4 year mark I'd be some kind of better or normal or okay.