Tuesday, June 25, 2013

52 Weeks: Week 25

Week 24 just happened to be the last week of kindergarten for D so it was a very busy week.

It seems like it has been raining for weeks and if we lived about 4 hours south of here in Calgary, I would have taken pictures of the flooding to prove it. Happily for us the worst we are suffering from the rain is being stuck inside and having a very muddy garden. The rain let up for a while at the beginning of last week so we had some time to play with bubbles.

D was thrilled that I finally was able to come along on a field trip. The swimming trip was  only in the morning and therefore I could leave C.S. with a friend for a few hours. It was good to have time with just my big girl and we even went out for lunch afterward, just the two of us.

The big highlight of the week was the "graduation". Here is my girl with her teacher.

And here she is in one of the group shots. I like this picture because she is showing off her matching shoes and nails. I love her dress and wish we had occasions to wear it more often.($13 at H/M!!!) In fact the whole family was all dolled up (I think it was the only time all year I wore make up to school) but of course I forgot to ask someone to take a picture of the family together.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

52 Weeks: Week 24

I finally, finally took a decent picture of both the girls together. This one is going in the frame I painted this winter.

 The ball hockey season is done for this year. We ended up winning the bronze medal and it's the biggest medal I've ever won in all my years of junior high and highschool sports. D was very impressed by it.

After much FSOT board stalking, I bought a rainbow wrap to have converted to a ring sling. (It's a Girasol Metamorphosis DW Purple weft for any babywearing geeks out there.) C.S. tried to lay claim to it, but it's now being converted by a very talented lady.

I can't remember if Sunday counts as this week or last week, but since we have a busy week for week 25, Father's Day is going in week 24. This is the gift I ordered for D.G.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Right Where I Am: 3 Years, 2 Months, 8 days

Angie's Right Where I Am project back for another year, but you likely know that already. Her post and all the links to the other participants' posts are here. My post from 2012 is here and the one from 2011 is here.

Life right now is far from awful. I have my 2 beautiful girls and a great husband and we have a nice home and all the material things we need and most of the things we want too. I can acknowledge all that and still feel like I'm struggling to keep it together.

Sometimes I think I've "accepted" the fact that Reid died. It still hurts and I miss him every second of everyday but I can deal with it now. It's all the changes in me and all the issues I have surrounding his death that still cause problems.

There are people I keep meaning to reach out to, but it never feels like the right time so I do nothing. Then there are people who I should forgive just because it would make things simpler for the rest of my family but I don't feel anything remotely forgiving towards these people.

I take my big girl, D, to school every day. Some days when we are waiting for the teacher to come to the classroom, I can enjoy C.S. toddling around and being entertained by the other children while chatting with the other moms. Other days I have a constant refrain of "My son would be three." or "I have three children." going through my head and I feel like a complete fraud because it's not the right time or place to share my story.

I still feel anger and bitterness and jealousy on regular basis, but right now what I feel most is loneliness. It makes sense that the online community that got me through the so much of the early grief has changed as our lives continued to change, whether we had rainbow babies or not. I just miss knowing that someone out there was feeling the same way I was and the regular updates on everyone's life. Maybe some of the loneliness is normal for a stay at home mom whose schedule is completely controlled by things that can't be messed with, school and naptime. The post-Reid me still doesn't really know how to make friends or keep any of the ones that some how stuck around for the last three years and the rest of the world seems to be getting along without my actual or virtual presence. (At least that's how it looks on fb. I have such a love/hate relationship with social media. I'm completely addicted to it, but at least half the time it makes me feel like a complete loser on so many levels.)

Right now I feel like I've lost my voice. Not that I think I ever produced any good writing, but at least when the grief was fresh and raw, the words just poured out of my head onto the screen. I still have things to work out but the words don't come. They just circle around my head for weeks. I had to force this post out of my head after 10 days of thinking about it and then reading all the other posts that had been linked to already. (I want to leave heartfelt, insightful comments on all those posts, but the words aren't there for that either. I am here reading them all, sending love for you and your babies.)

Sunday, June 9, 2013

52 Weeks: Week 23

This last week was all about sewing, when I wasn't cooking, cleaning, folding clothes, changing diapers or reading board books. I spent more time sewing this week than I have since October 2011 when I made D a Halloween costume and then promptly landed in the hospital and didn't get to see her wear it.

First, I sewed the dress for D that I cut out over a month ago. She loves it, it turned out great and I even tried out french seams on the bottom ruffle

Then I finished a hat that has been sitting in my project basket for the last year. I started it when making a hat for a friend's baby girl but stopped when I realized it was going to be way to big for a newborn. My model for this project was not so cooperative, but at least she has a hat that I can tie on for windy days when we walk to school.

I hate sewing anything involving knits but I had to suck it up and do it twice this week. The first time because I am cheap and when D tore a hole in an almost new pair of leggings, I decided I could turn them into a pair of shorts to wear under her summer dresses. (No picture because they are boring grey shorts.) The second time was so I could save Noy-nee. Noy-nee is an adorable sock monster made by a local crafter who is now sporting a purple heart shaped patch on her hip.

Today I finally sewed something for me. I didn't actually sew this shirt, but I took 4" off the sides of this shirt so I could have some kind of waist when I wear it. I usually avoid button up shirts because I have XL shoulders and a M waist but once in a while a pattern is too cute to pass up.


Monday, June 3, 2013

52 Weeks: Week 22

As I said last week, week 22 got off to a rough start. I ended up having a root canal on Wednesday (Thank goodness for cancellations!) after an emergency evaluation on Monday. Before my tooth went supernova on Monday morning we had a playdate with my friend E and her girls. I love having a friend who lives on a farm so that my girls can at least get a taste of how I grew up. Here are the four of them happily playing in the sand and getting extremely dirty.

C.S. has figured out how to actually get food onto a utensil and then get some of that food into her mouth. I know mastering a fork is still a longs ways off, but she is so proud of herself and it is so stinking cute.

In the better late than never category, I finally got my garden planted this weekend. After waiting until Victoria Day weekend for D.G. to till the garden, it took until this weekend for me to have enough energy, the seeds and good weather. We also got lots of rain after it got planted so hopefully things start growing soon.

I love lilacs, so much so that I actually considered scheduling my wedding in spring so I could have them. (We ended getting married in October, but I did consider it.) There are lilacs all over our neighborhood and they were all in full bloom this week.